7 months ago
I don’t know who still reads this. I don’t really care if you still do; but if you put up with this, then I thank you. This may be my last monologue here, or not. I don’t know. I’ve learned that nothing’s certain, as much as we think it is.
It’s been quite the journey, hasn’t it? Since the beginning of the semester, I’ve sent myself through a wave of emotions. The fragile cascading tower I built myself at the beginning of the year has collapsed. Despite knowing what I was doing to myself, I continued to build it, alone. In the end, I was tired of climbing, tired of building. And then I grew angry. I redirected it inwards, towards myself; I tried to contain it. Ultimately it started to grow out of control. And it all fell apart. I fell so much more than I’ve ever fallen before. All, for her.
Why did I do that to myself? I knew what I was getting into. I knew this was going to only hurt me so much in the end. I knew the demons I would have to face, I knew how much I would have to change for the worse before things got better.
Except things never got better, it only got worse for me. And in the end, after what happened, the only thing I could do to myself was to keep my distance. Because I fucked up. One of the greatest friends I’ve ever had, and I fucked things up. It’s just like me to do that. I never learned how to be a socially viable person. I blame my older brother for being a terrible influence on me; but in the end it was my fault for not creating my own identity.
In the midst of my madness though, in the midst of falling; in the middle of being hurt so bad I had a depressive outlook on life… something good came out of it. At some point, at my second to lowest point, I didn’t care anymore. Nothing could have been worse than what had happened to me. So I finally did something I’ve never done before.
I asked someone out on a date. Someone I was taking a class with. I didn’t care if she said no, I didn’t care if I got rejected. I just needed to get my mind off of things. Try something new. After a while, and after finals, we finally went out. It’s funny, because my cousin wanted to have dinner that night too. But this was something I had to do.. for myself. And my cousin accepted that.
And you know what? My date went better than I expected. I was nervous as hell for sure. But at the same time, something inside me kept pushing me forward. I made the reservations, I chose the place, we chose the time. There were times where I just wanted to give up. I started harboring feelings of fear, rejection. When she was late, I called her a few times wondering where the hell she was. But traffic was holding her up, and I didn’t want to hold her up against that. I was extremely nervous; I wanted to ensure the restaurant is okay with us being late. I may have overdone it, since the waitress could tell I was really worried, and tried to reassure me.
Of course I was nervous. I’ve never gone out on a date before, especially not with someone who I found really cute. But… when I finally saw her coming towards the restaurant, all I could think was “Wow, she’s really beautiful.” While I still had feelings for the other girl, with this one I could see myself liking her. And the night went wonderful. It could’ve gone better, but what can you expect of me?
This all happened before my big fall, before my rage blew up. I didn’t know what to do. I was lost, and I felt alone, angry at myself, angry at the world. I was at my lowest point in my entire life, utterly depressed and devastated. And even though things are better now, I’m still emotionally scarred by the whole ordeal… I’ll never forget what happened.
Buried beneath all that anger, that rage, I remembered the date. I wanted to ask her out again, but didn’t know how. Fortunately, I still had some luck left. I saw her in the library when I was about to enter. I immediately turned around and walked out. I didn’t want to talk to her yet; ask her out again. It was too soon, I was already dealing with my emotional trauma from the other one. But I took a deep breath, turned around, and greeted her. We talked, and I walked her to class. Before we parted ways, I summoned the courage and asked her for coffee. Nothing too large, like the dinner we had earlier, but simple enough that we spent three hours talking. I think something in me was telling me that I liked her, that I need her for my own sake. As selfish as that sounds, I really did. I didn’t want to screw things up. I was going through so much. But when I’m with her, I could forget about all that. I could just focus on her, and me, and the drinks sitting in front of us.
Since then, we’ve gone out a few more times. And I’ve grown to like her. I don’t know if she likes me yet, and I fear if I make a move too soon, she’ll push me away. Having been completely walled off recently for weeks was just too much. But at the same time, I don’t want to just be a friend. For once, I want something meaningful. And for once, I don’t want any missteps By the same token, for once I’m finally beginning to grow confidence in myself. I’m doing something I’ve never done before. And while I’m outside my comfort zone, I won’t let that stop me.
It’s funny. Because I was only taking the class where I met her in the first place so I could take the following class with the first girl. If it wasn’t for that, I would have never met her.
Life can work in funny ways, doesn’t it?